my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize