just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
