So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
