Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
