if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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