just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
