No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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