I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
im holly from the hills drunk
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
