My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
