I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
