My room smells like vodka and shame
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
