Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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