mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When did angry sex become our thing?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Come share oat with me in your robe
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
