Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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