Pants 0. Shit 1.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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