You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
