she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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