It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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