hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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