Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
