The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
