I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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