note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
