Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
