I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
