Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
