I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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