My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
