Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
