Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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