im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
