The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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