I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
