What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
