We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
