Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
