There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
