Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
