i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
