He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
