I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I love you. Go after that dick
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
