I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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