I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
