I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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