thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
