Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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