Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
