i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
