woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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