listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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